Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: They don't belong to us! You know the drill.
Sex: No.
Violence: Yes.
Subtext: No, no, no!! Don't even go there.
Language: The odd nasty word, but nothing really bad.
Summary: What happens when you mix two crazy Ares fans, AIM, in one author's case lack of sleep, and add sugar highs and general insanity?
Notes: This started out as an AIM conversation between me and Anaia (Madeline), which turned into a role play - I was Xena and she was Gabby. We both wrote Ares. This came out of our warped, twisted little minds, so unless you want to read pure weirdness, hit your back button.
Dedication: To Anaia for being weird with me and to Ephy for putting up with me!

When Gabby Turns Wack...
by XenaAmber (with Anaia)

Chapter One:

Gabrielle: *Grin*
Xena: *Wink*
Gabrielle: *Giggle*
Xena: *Eyebrow raise a la Xena*
Gabrielle: *Imitating à la Gabrielle*
Xena: Nice try Gabby!
Gabrielle: *Giggle*
Xena: You need to work on it a little.
Gabrielle: I know... it's just that I'm just a little bard from Pota-something and I wanna look like you, talk like you, dress like you, go where you go, do what you do, say what you say, be what you are, walk like you walk, kick ass the way you kick ass, etc...
Xena: Uh, what was your name again? Gabrielle, you know some people call that stalking.
Gabrielle: Yeah, well in the Trailer Park- I mean, Pota-whatever, we call that...uh, stalking. *Damn! Beat again! *
Gabrielle: So there!
Xena: *Moves away slowly* Don't try to follow me or anything.
Gabrielle: But XEENIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Xena: That's not my name.
Gabrielle (01:36:00) : I'm your little blonde SIDEKICK.
Xena: You still can't call me that. *thank the Gods she didn't say 'friend' *

Gabrielle (01:37:01) : I'm your BEST FR-I-END!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *whining*
Xena: *Damn!*
Gabrielle: But you LOVE me, XEENIE! like that wack-ass blonde did! The one that turned to fire! We were two of a kind! Both trailer trash! But I chose you, Xeenie YOUUUUUUUUUUU!
Xena: Lucky me.
Gabrielle (01:39:35): I know! I have an idea!
Xena: Great... OK, what is it?
Gabrielle: Let's go inside our little Amazon Cheeky-hut thingie, make some henbane-nutbread and watch Jerry!
Xena : Great idea!! OK, off you go and I'll catch up with you later..
Gabrielle (01:42:13) : Really?
Xena: Yeah. *She is so easy. *
Gabrielle (01:43:26) : No, I think I'll wait for you, Xeenie.
Xena: * Gods!!* Are you sure? I think they put Jerrius on earlier today. Why don't you go check?
Gabrielle: Then I'll catch him later. He plays 5 times per day: at 1 in the morning, at 10, at noon, at 5 in the afternoon, at 9 and at midnight
Xena: Don't people have anything better to do?
Xena: And that was 6 times.
Gabrielle: People do, but Xeenie, I'm TRAILER TRASH- I mean, Poatadeian.
Gabrielle: Same difference.
Xena: Does that make a difference?
Xena: And DON'T call me Xeenie.
Gabrielle: I'm a blond, Xeenie.
Xena: Which part of DON'T, do you not understand?! I thought you were a bard - you should know about words.
Gabrielle: XEENIE!
Xena: The blonde thing, I forgot. Gabrielle, did you eat any nutbread today, by any chance?
Gabrielle: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Gabrielle: I forget.
Xena: Answer the question *Gives Gabby the look*
Gabrielle: I do...I think...um...I might have.
Xena: Is that a yes or a no?
Gabrielle: Ummmmmmmmmmmm...
Xena: Gabri-ELLE...
Gabrielle: XEE-nie
Xena: You're copying me again. Don't.
Gabrielle: I kinda, of, um.... I ATE YOUR ENTIRE SUPPLY OF MEDICINAL HENBANE AND ate all the nutbread.
Xena: You what? *Gods, that kid is going to hurt herself one day.... Or maybe I'll hurt her.*
Gabrielle: *Kicks ground* I'm sorry Xeenie.
Gabrielle: You still love me, right?
Xena: You DO know that you might DIE if you eat too much henbane, don't you? Define 'love'...
Gabrielle: Well, Xeenie, I've gotta go but I'll be back Later! Bye-bye XEENIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gabrielle signed off at 01:55:36.

Chapter 2:

Gabrielle: Oh, XEE-nieeeeeeeeeeee.
Xena: You're back. ;-)
Gabrielle: I am! Xeenie I'm sorry I ate all the henbane.
Xena: You never answered my question about not knowing that you could die if you eat too much...?
Gabrielle: You could?
Gabrielle: *Wide eyes.*
Xena: Oooh yeah. Very easily. Especially if your hair is blond and you are female.
Gabrielle: But Xeenie, I'm a blond and I'm a female!
Xena: Oh yeah! must have slipped my mind.
Gabrielle: That's bad!
Xena : For you or for me?
Gabrielle: For both of us!
Xena: For you, because you might die. For me, because...
Gabrielle: Because....
Gabrielle: ?
Xena : Why would it be bad for me?
Gabrielle: XEE-NIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gabrielle: I'm gonna cry-y.
Xena: Don't cry!! I wouldn't want to ruin your last few hours on Earth.
Gabrielle: I know! To cheer me up, I'll read you my 2,100-verse poem! Each verse has 17 stanzas, and each stanza is 97 lines long! And each line is 200 syllables!
Gabrielle: You'll love it!
Gabrielle: It's all about me!
Xena: Uh huh. Look, in the last couple of chats we've had, you've already told me all about yourself, so how about you save it for someone else. I don't want you to lose your voice. Maybe next time we see Herc and Curly, uh, Iolaus you can read it to them.
Gabrielle: But, Xeenie, I want YOU to hear it.
Xena: Well, I'll hear it when you tell Herc and Iolaus.
Gabrielle: But I want you to hear it NOW.
Gabrielle: It's all about my life at the trailer park...I mean, Potadeia
Xena : You know, I really need to go for a ride. Argo hasn't had much exercise in the past few days.
Gabrielle: Neither has my horsie! You're so clever Xeenie, I'll come with you!
Xena: I forgot, Gabby, what did you call your horse?
Gabrielle: *Scratches head.* XEE-nie, I've got licies!- I don't think I ever named her.
Xena: Don't scratch - we don't want a repeat of what happened that time with Joxer's stew. How about you work on a name for the horse while you work on a story?
Xena: *Please agree, please agree. *
Gabrielle: 'Cause I wanna ride with you.
Xena: You got pretty stiff last time you rode. Besides, you might give the horse your lice.
Gabrielle: Oh, no! Poor horsie!
Xena: Yeah - and we don't want that to happen do we?
Gabrielle: Probably not...so I'll come.
Gabrielle: But that won't happen....
Gabrielle: So I'll come
Xena: No, no. If you come, the horse will get lice. If you DON'T, he WON'T.
Gabrielle: *Jeez, I almost think she doesn't want me to come.*
Xena: I wonder if she's figured out I don't want her to come. *
Gabrielle: Xeenie...do you want me to come? *Might as well find out.*
Xena: *Oh Gods!* So, what time are we leaving tomorrow?
Gabrielle: YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION.
Xena: You didn't answer mine.
Gabrielle: I asked you first.
Xena: So? You can answer first.
Gabrielle: Early. Xeenie, do you not want me to come?
Xena: I'd just like a little time on my own, if that's OK with you. *Does she ever give up?*
Gabrielle: *quietly* Do you hate me, Xeenie?
Xena: Did I say that? *She's FINALLY getting it!*
Gabrielle: No, but you act that way...and I constantly get this thought that you really think I'm stupid and that I'm dense.
Xena: *I couldn't have planned this better myself* Gabby, even if I did, would it make any difference whatsoever? You're your own person, and I can't change that.
Gabrielle: AHA! YOU DO HATE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Xena: Now who's not answering questions?
Gabrielle: Well, if you really feel that way, I'll just mosey on over to Ares' temple and tell him about your dream last night!
Xena: *How did she know?* What dream?
Gabrielle: That dream that you cry out for Ares in your sleep.
Xena: I thought you were a sound sleeper? Must be the henbane. I told you it was bad for you.
Gabrielle: And did I tell you about you little mead-induced confession?
Xena: No, but I guess you're about to.
Gabrielle: I never thought I could this against you, Xena, but when you were drunk on mead, you confessed to everyone in Fharridian that you loved Ares.
Xena: The operative phrase is 'drunk on mead'. It's like you on henbane - you don't mean any of this stuff, but you still say it.
Gabrielle: So, I'll just collect some witnesses, get Curly and Hercy and show up to Ares and spill the beans.
Gabrielle: Oh, you meant it all right.
Gabrielle: AND HOW DO YOU KNOW I DON'T HATE YOU????????????
Xena: What do Herc and Curly have to do with it? *How did I get into that one? Good thing she doesn't know it's true.*
Xena: If you hated me you wouldn't hang around me all the time.
Gabrielle: Maybe it's because I'm gonna tell Ares all this junk.
Xena : He wouldn't believe you - like you said, it's junk.
Gabrielle: Or maybe just because I'm a secret agent person that wants to kill you by slipping you large quantities of poisoned MEAD.
Xena: Or maybe not.
Gabrielle: Not if he looks in his little silver bubble thing.
Xena: I think you mean *portal*.
Gabrielle: No, I mean his SILVER BUBBLE THING.
Xena: Is there a difference between them?
Gabrielle: Either way, he'd be able to see that I was telling the truth.
Gabrielle: Not to mention I'd read the damned poem to him- 25 years of pure fun.
Xena: Truth about what? *Gotta be careful here...*
Gabrielle: Truth about your little obsession.
Xena: Obsession?
Gabrielle: With Ares.
Xena: If I told him you were lying, he'd believe me. If you told him that... he would laugh. He knows I don't... I don't...
Gabrielle: He knows you don't what, Xena?
Gabrielle: He'd think you were stalling.
Gabrielle: He'd think you were a stuttering fool trying to save yourself from embarrassment.
Xena: I don't *Might as well try and pretend* .. I don't love him.
Gabrielle: Much like you are now
Xena: How do you know that? I think I know him a little better than you do.
Gabrielle: Do you swear on the River Styx? *I know she's lying...might as well have her get struck down by Zeus.*
Gabrielle: Honey, I am not a mortal. I've known Ares for much longer than you have.
Xena: Is that necessary? Is my word not enough for you? I thought we were friends...
Gabrielle: It is...we were key word here, were... I could read your mind all along.. and you just thought we were such great friends that I could tell these things. Ha!
Xena: Well, I think you need a little bit more practice *smiles unconvincingly* *Phew!*
Gabrielle: I know you love Ares, but if you insist on lying, prove it. Swear on the River Styx, Xena.
Gabrielle: Do it, Xena.
Gabrielle: Prove it.
Xena: What happened to you taking my word for it?
Gabrielle: Prove it to me, to all mortals, to Olympus, to Ares. Prove to all of us that you don't love him.
Gabrielle: Not a chance, princess. Swear it. if you mean it, you'll swear it. And if you don't... *Makes motion of lightning striking someone down.*
Xena: Gabrielle, even if I did swear, Zeus isn't around to throw thunderbolts at me anyway. *And if he was, Ares would stop him.*
Gabrielle: Ares? Ha. Ares is on his way as we speak. He wants to witness you swear on the River Styx against your love for him. *Ares appears.*
Gabrielle: He wants to hear it from you, Xena. Swear it.
Gabrielle: *Dude, I sound like a fury.*
Xena: Does he? Ares what do you think?
Gabrielle: Do it, Xena. Swear.
Ares: Swear it.
Gabrielle: See? Even Ares thinks so.
Xena: *Aha!* You first, Ares.
Gabrielle: Swear it, Xena. Swear you don't love him.
Xena: Swear it.
Ares: Aha, but Xena I do love you.
Gabrielle: See? I told ya.
Ares: Your turn, Xena.
Gabrielle: Yeah! Your turn, Xena!
Xena: *OK, here goes nothing.* Since you asked... I can't. I do love him. Happy now?
Gabrielle: AHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gabrielle: *Fury leaves Gabrielle's body.*

Xena: *Damn. I said it, and he didn't say anything.*
Gabrielle: Whoa. Talk about culture rush. *Double take.* Ares? what are you doing here?
Ares: *Ares gazes at Xena* Did you mean it?
Xena: Believe it or not, yeah. *Xena stares back at Ares.*
Gabrielle: *Jaw drops.* Whoa. What did I just miss here?
Xena: (to Ares) Can you hear something?
Gabrielle: Uh-uh-uh, don't you start that. I've still got my poem. *Rattles the scrolls.*
Gabrielle: 2,100 verses of it!
Ares: Can you leave the scroll alone please?
Xena: I know more than enough about you already.
Gabrielle: XEENIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gabrielle: I'm missing something.
Gabrielle: What'd I miss?
Xena: I know that you weren't as sad as you made out to be when Callisto killed Perdicorpse.
Xena : Nothing you need to worry about.
Gabrielle: HEY! Why is his arm around you and creeping downs towards your-? HELLO!! NASTY as hell!
Gabrielle: Hey, don't make fun of Percy or I'll make fun of Bor-eye-us.
Xena: Be my guest.
Gabrielle: And your druggy kid-Solan.
Gabrielle: Sullen..
Gabrielle: Whatever
Xena: In case you forgot, you kid had some problems too!
Xena: And at least I can say her name.
Gabrielle: Hope? At least she was evil. And she got rid of your kid.
Xena: And you got rid of her... twice.
Gabrielle: I'm still proud of myself.
Xena: Not very effectively though.
Xena: I wouldn't be proud if I were you.
Gabrielle: Well, I have either a stick or two forks, what do you want?
Gabrielle: You have that cool chakramy-thing, your sword and other various weapons.
Xena: For what?
Xena: You threw the staff in a river anyway.
Gabrielle: For anything, for decoration for all I care. At least you have them.
Gabrielle: It was a freakin' stick.
Xena: I was only reminding you.. why would I want your weapons?
Gabrielle: You wouldn't. I want one of those spinny things. But no, since I'm the sidekick and you've got the War God boyfriend.
Xena: You gave up on the friend idea then?
Ares: Boyfriend?
Gabrielle: I'm gonna find myself a boyfriend - and if I hafta steal yours, Xeenie, so be it.
Ares: Blondie, I hate to break it to ya, but you and me? Not a chance in Tarturus.
Gabrielle: No, Xeenie, we're gonna be friends. *Thunder crashes and devil horns and pitchforks appear.* But I'm gonna get some rights.
Ares: And her name is not Xeenie.
Gabrielle: Is too! And I don't want you as a boyfriend...you stink to everyone except immortals and Xena - to everyone else you stink like month-old-roadkill.
Ares: Very creative. I'll take it as a compliment. Xena, you're rubbing off on her.
Gabrielle: *Grin.* Well, I try. Well, I want rights. Stop with the blond cracks. It makes me sick. I never got high on henbane, I faked you out big time. I want to be paid. I want to have vacations. I want to be mentioned when you are.
Gabrielle: I want to be treated fairly, not like some idiot child. I want Ares to stop making fun of me.
Xena: You don't ask for much do you?
Gabrielle: Considering what I've put up with for the past how many years, nope.
Xena: Why don't you look how many years it's been in your scrolls?
Gabrielle: Because that would give Ares and you the perfect opportunity to make fun of me.
Gabrielle: I want that to stop, too. Truce? *Holds out hand to Ares.*
Ares: I think that's the idea.
Gabrielle: Ares, trust me, have you ever had a pissed off, PMSing, immortal blond Amazon attacking you with forks dipped in hinds blood?
Xena: Trust me, Gabrielle, you wouldn't get anywhere near him.
Gabrielle: I won't? Xeenie, dear, you seem to forget, you can't hurt me. I'm IMMORTAL.
Gabrielle: And don't give me the Hind's blood/Chronos' bone junk.
Xena: Uh huh. Cut down on the henbane.
Gabrielle: I have all the hinds in captivity.
Gabrielle: And all the bones here. *Pats chest.*
Xena: Yeah...
Gabrielle: I am not insane. Ares go check in the Olympian library and look up Miralda.
Xena: Are you buying any of this Ares?
Gabrielle: Don't make me hurt your girlfriend, Ares. *Holds up crimson forks and holds them to Xena's neck.*
Gabrielle: Whoops! *Giggle.* You wouldn't want me to 'accidentally' kill Xena, now would you, Ares?
Xena: You couldn't... *Xena kicks fork away*
Gabrielle: Gabrielle holds the other fork to the place where the pinch is done.
Gabrielle: I would.
Gabrielle: * Jabs fork into Xena's neck.*
Xena: *Xena ducks and Gabby falls forward.*
Gabrielle: A thin stream of blood.
Gabrielle: Gab appears behind Xena.
Gabrielle: Does the pinch on Xena.
Gabrielle: Ares...Xena's dead in 30 seconds if you don't go look up what I can do.
Xena: Xena takes pinch off again and elbows Gabby in the gut.
Xena: Nice try.
Gabrielle: Gabby lifts staff *where she get it from.* and conks Xena upside the head. Xena slides to the ground unconscious.
Ares: Uh, Blondie? Where'd you learn that?
Gabrielle: Told you. Go look me up, dammit. *Holds fork to Xena's neck and jacks chakram. Holds it to Xena's wrist.* Call me Blondie again, you're next.
Ares: OK, OK. Blond.. Gabrielle. What do you want?
Gabrielle: I want you to go look the Olympian Library and look up Miralda.
Gabrielle: And Ares...?
Gabrielle: It's your girlfriend's life on the line here.
Gabrielle: TBC!

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