by Madeline
Disclaimer: ONLY IN MY DREAMS
Summary: a twisted spin-off from 'Coming Home'. Ares gets twisted thoughts and considers suicide. Can Xena stop him?
Dedicated: To anyone who
a) bothers to read this
b) bothers to listen to me
c) all my friends that put up with my crap
Illy, Amber, Ephy, Astra, etc...this one goes out to y'all...because you do all of the above!
Somewhat edited.
We've all made mistakes. Some are giant, cataclysmic boo-boos, others are itty-bitty ones that can be remedied with an 'I'm sorry' and a kiss that will make it all better.
Unfortunately for me, mine was the first, a giant mistake.
How long has it been?
Millenias? Centuries? Decades?
Days? Hours? Minutes?
Or has it merely been seconds?
Time has no meaning to me any longer. For all I know the world has self-destructed, Zeus is in Elusian Fields and Aphrodite is in Tartarus.
Seated here, I am the King.
Hooray.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My actions shame me.
My actions would shame anyone.
As I sit here, upon my throne, overlooking my kingdom, I cannot help but laugh at the irony. I once had the world in my pocket. With a snap I could have mortals destroyed.
How long ago was that?
Days?
Minutes?
Again with that time thing. It's like, since has never mattered to me, it still doesn't.
I had forever. Now I have an allotted time: a lifetime.
I laugh out loud.
Who am I kidding, I want to scream.
I'm seated on a tree stump. My throne.
I'm overlooking a bunch of dead trees. My kingdom.
Oh, the irony is enough to make one cry.
And I would, if I hadn't expertly taught myself how to hide my emotions.
I tried to kill her.
That puts me right there with Callisto and Dahak.
What was I thinking?
Okay, so I haven't had exactly a exemplary existence. So send me to Tartarus. That's all that's left for me, anyway.
I don't deserve her. I never have, and never will.
Sure, I could start on a path to redemption, but that's her thing. And I don't think I'll be alive long enough to atone for all my bad deeds.
I examine myself. I come up with one conclusion: I hurt. All over. Even my hair hurts. I think the only part that's not injured in my right earlobe. I check; nope, it hurts too. Damn.
I wonder briefly what my legions must be thinking, but I soon come to the realization that I don't give a damn.
I wonder what she's thinking.
Now, that's important.
She's all that matters now, in the wretched creation that is my life.
She's thinking what she's thought all along.
Damn. She beat the sh*t out of me.
I'm pathetic.
Where is she? I wonder.
Somewhere. Away from me.
Good. Stay there. Stay away from me. I'm poison.
But how readily have you consumed it before?
No. I'm bad for her. I poison her mind and kill her spirit. I attempt to control her soul, her mind, the fire that burns within her. I wanted absolute control, and she didn't want me to have it.
And so, I have a one-way ticket to hell. I shall become one the ever-so elite 'Damned'.
If I close my eyes, I can barely see the shape of Charon on his ferry, beckoning to me. I see the fiery depths of Tartarus behind him.
I deserve to die.
No, I should die.
Nobody would care, nobody would mourn.
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Death's too good for me. I don't deserve to die, I deserve to live.
But I don't want to.
Most people have a purpose in life. I've searched, and I can't find one for mine. How pathetic is that?
Which is better? The Tartarus they call life, or the end, with fiery pits forever?
Hey, I can do with fire.
The more I think about it, the more appealing death becomes.
I take a quick inventory. Do I have my sword?
Nobody would stop me. Nobody would care. It'll be for the best. No one would do anything with my body, I'll just lie here for eternity. And if she finds it, I hope she laughs. I want her to be happy. I say a quick prayer to whomever was up there at that second for her eternal happiness. I stand up. I feel my joints creak, my leather squeal, my metallic pieces clang.
Oh, yeah, I'm pathetic all right.
I unsheathe my sword.
I study it for a second. How long have I had this?
A long, long time.
I turn it over, the setting sun bouncing it's golden rays on it.
Look long and hard, buddy boy, you'll never see it again.
I hold the sword up above me, the tip just touching my chest. A simple thrust will end it all.
I hear her far away, but I know how bad I am for her.
I hear her call my name.
I hear her hurried steps as she tries to comprehend what's happening.
"Ares! No!"
I turn, with an irritated look on my face. I hold onto my mask, not allowing my facial expression to change at her presence.
"What are you doing?" she yells at me, coming towards me.
I don't answer, just concentrate on my sword.
Just a little push.
She walks up to me, her usually clear eyes clouded with concern. She places her soft hand on my arm.
"What are you doing?" she whispers in a horrified voice.
I answer her. I tell her what I've been thinking. Tell her what I've realized. Tell her my only escape is through death.
She slowly slides the sword out of my hands and drops it to the ground. She puts her soothing hands on either side of my hands.
That's when I realize I've been crying.
Before I know it, so is she.
Tears stream down her face as she pleads for my life.
I hear her reasons as to why I should live. All I hear are silly, superficial words in desperate attempt to prevent me from fulfilling my destiny. She has taken both my hands in hers, letting tears unbidden fall, not caring.
My coarse mind cannot comprehend why she cares. I want her to stop lying to me. I want the truth. I want her to admit she hates me.
I say this aloud, trying to keep my voice stable as I say them.
I hear my voice quiver.
Damn.
I have handed Xena my death warrant, it's up to her to decide my fate.
She has unwittingly become my lifeline.
I'm screwed.
"I never hated you." she says.
"You took pleasure in my pain!" I accuse. The tears start again. I'm your regular waterworks today.
"I never did!" she says through her tears. "I always felt your heartache!"
"You repeatedly told me you hated me!" I scream. My tears choke up my voice. I sound like such a wimp.
"I always lied!" she says. She has taken my hands in hers, is desperately grabbing at my vest.
"Don't lie to me!" I screech. Damn, I sound like the proverbial fish-seller's wife.
I hear her sobs as she tries to convince me otherwise.
Accusations flow from my mouth. I tell her everything she has done that has caused me pain since she left me.
She stands there, looking so vulnerable, crying.
Great, Ares. Way to go. Let's insult her some more. Make her really hate me. I'm just going to win the award for brightest guy.
Break her heart, why don't you?
Me? Break her heart? Nah.
She doesn't attempt to defend herself. She states what I already know.
That I was bad for her.
I know this. What else is new?
I kick my sword up into my hands and slowly back a few paces away from her.
I say: I love you. And if I'm bad for you so be it. I don't want to hurt you longer. Death will be my escape, and your salvation.
Goodbye, Xena.
Author's note: Is this the end? You decide. I've got the entire second part if you want anymore, but I think it ends better this way. The only way I'll know is by your feedback.
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